Thursday, October 20, 2005

Permanent Internal Biscuits

I know I mention biscuits a lot. I like them.

At the beginning of my crip career, biscuits were often close by. I welcomed them with open armfuls.

Last night, I sat and consumed several (about 8.. ish) in consolation for the fact I had to go and have a scan this morning and the appointment letter forbade me any food after 10.00pm at night.

Never mind, I thought to myself, lounging on the sofa watching 'Beyond Boundaries'. At least the last food I'll have is some nice biscuits. As the crips (yes, they called themselves crips last night - aha!) trek became more and more difficult, more and more comfort biscuits on my part were deemed necessary.

So apart from a painkiller at 5.00am this morning, no food - just plain water - has passed my lips. Twice this morning, I caught myself wandering into the kitchen in search of food. I never really bother much about breakfast, but when you can't have something, somehow you feel deprived even if you don't usually want it in the first place.

Got to the hospital. Put the gown on. Had the scan. Feeling so full of water I wasn't the slightest bit hungry.

Halfway through, she turns away from the screen and says to me "Have we had something to eat this morning?" and looks me straight in the eye for the first time, trying to catch any looks of guilt. "Nope - just water" I answer truthfully, feeling a little guilty nevertheless (like you do sometimes when you see a police officer). "There's something in your stomach," she says again, looking once more in case I crack. I repeat "No, I've eaten nothing, I promise you..." She runs the scanner up and down my stomach. Blue goo slides down my sides. She frowns.

"It's biscuits" she says. "You've got biscuits in there."

"No I haven't" I reply, feeling certain and a little bit worried. Can you get biscuit-shaped tumours?

"Never mind" she says. Some people look like they have things in their stomachs - even... (and again with The Look)... if they haven't. Maybe it's all the water you just drank. Either that, or you have some permanent internal biscuits."

How comforting!

37 comments:

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marmiteboy said...

I would have asked for more evidence than that.What type of biscuits were they? Ginger Nuts?, Rich Tea?, Fig Rolls?, Garibaldi?

Does codeine prevent biscuit digestion? Maybe it does. If this is the case then I've got a lot ginger nuts sitting there doing owt.

The Goldfish said...

I read this yesterday, then I thought about it today and it occurred to me to wonder how on earth they could tell that it was biscuits? I mean surely you gave them a decent munch?

Would Permanent Internal Biscuits explain my tubbiness? I mean, I don't eat many biscuits, cakes or sweeties or anything, but if I had some inside me all the time, then that might explain why I can't lose weight.

Or maybe in my case it's a Permanent Internal Triple-Chocolate Gateau. Would explain a lot.

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imfunnytoo said...

"Permanent internal bIscuits," would be a great thing for those of us that love food too much (me).

If I had permanent biscuits I wouldn't need to eat many more...?

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Agent Fang said...

It was just the way she looked me in the eye and said "You've got some biscuits in there..." maybe biscuits are the most common thing people think they'll get away with if they really can't fast before a scan. Marmiteboy, I wondered after I'd left whether the codeine had slowed down my digestion - also, they were oat biscuits, and oats are supposed to sustain your energy levels for longer... maybe they take longer to digest too. At the end of the scan she told me everything looked ok though, so I'm not really worried. They wanted to check things were generally the right shape/in the right place and they are... I will ask the digestion/codiene question to the doc when I see her though. I'm innocent, dammit - I did NOT scoff anything before that scan!

I hope the spam isn't marring your reading of the comments too much. I'd rather have blindie access and spammers than no spammers and no access. Re-directing the notification has left the private inbox blissfully quiet, so until blogger enable audio descriptions of their word verification text I guess this will just have to do.

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BloggingMone said...

Permanent internal biscuits??! *lol*
Are you sure you haven't missed out any kind of important information on the wrapping of your biscuits.....um, such as "use only for decoration!" for instance?
That might explain something.

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