Well, I am almost a born again self helper! (except for my cynical side, which is the dark side, thus the undead that can never die... ) But other than that, I'm dealing.
Hunter shooting himself the other week sent me into a fit of grieving on top of it all, and some of the specualtion among his friends was that pain had been a factor. It didn't help at the time. But anyway. Apparently it was all planned, and I'm in two minds to decide whether that was a tragedy, or just to admire the way he chose to check out. He was an exceptional freak. As I said in another post before the news broke, self-extinction has crossed my mind too. Don't take this too seriously - remember I'm prone to gothic indulgements - thinking about death is often a recreational habit. But to choose to go rather than wait for death to take you unawares does have its appeal. You can say goodbye to stuff. Get your affairs in order (my paperwork is so messed up it looks like I'm here for a good while yet...). And... other things. I dunno now I come to think about it, maybe if I do ever get there I'll do a list for ya.
But don't hold your breath, cos... me and my TeNS machine are new best friends. Earlier on last week we went on a short break together which worked out very well. I spent some time reading the manual in a little premier travel inn in freezing Sussex. I read a manual when I borrowed one, and I just assumed that having read that, there was nothing more to learn in the new one. Not so. Another trawl brought up a gem, like how to break muscle spasms by turning the pulse rate up high enough to give you even stronger muscle spasms...! The theory is you can break your muscles out of a spasm by out-spasm-ing them even more. Classy or what? Revenge on the unruly body. After some experiments I managed to invent a new party piece, which I shall call "spazzzing frog". I can see "spazzzing frog" is going to have many applications in my capacity as a disabled secret agent as well as many entertaining hours at parties. (Note it has 3 ZZZ). Talk about grotesquely fascinating. In addition, the sensations that zap your fingers if you try to pull off one of the electrodes whilst it's still switched on. I've never had such bizarre happenings occur without chemical influence! And, AND it's helping with the pain too. How splendid! Of course, don't try "spazzzing frog" at home unless you are a disability jackass in training, in which case you'll love it.
(To go off the point a little, I really think some crip should do a disability jackass show. We have so many gadgets to attempt hazardous, non- purpose meant stunts on... a huge potential is being wasted. I'd have done it, but now I have my diagnosis - officially fragile - I guess I'd just have to take the role of director and let someone else take the glory. But I'm cool with that).
Anyway, pain, or less pain, as I originally set out to describe. I have a morning routine now. I bought the book by a Professor and expert in my condition, and so will have many new coping insights to share with you all over the next few weeks. Ha. Anyway. Routine. It goes something like this:
Conciousness occurs, remember what planet am on.
Forget about nightmare where I move into neighbours from hell house next door whilst they are on holiday and have to sleep on their dogs bed (yes, really)...
Arrange pillows into small regal pile, sit up, come round a bit more, earphones on, listen to soothing music on ipod. (Yup, I'm a gadget poser, but this is a gadget Very Worth Having if you need to relax)
Take some big painkillers before really awake, set alarm clock for 30 mins and Do Not Move to allow floaty effects to start and preven pain from rearing its ugly head.
Drink lots and lots of water in the meantime - not only does dehydration from painkillers make you feel hungover without any alcohol to start with, but c o n s t i p a t i o n is not your friend.
30 mins later, get up, float/wheel/hobble to bathroom, attend to ablutions. Really wake up when stick electric toothbrush (access aid - saves moving wrist about too much) up my nose. It has happened more than once - apparently poor realisation of exactly where your joints are when you move contributes to toothbrush-up-the-nose syndrome and is Another Thing I can blame on my condition.
Decide whether have energy to have bath... shower... or not...
Go back to bedroom, get new friend TeNS machine out and apply electrodes. Do Spazzing frog. Garrrgh. Properly awake now. Swear a bit when genuinely forget not to remove/replace electrodes when current is running.
Decide what to do with self. Food. I'm on Special K get back into your genes (?! ha.) diet, vain hopes, also I don't have to worry about handling heavy pans or making real food.
- About half morning has gone by as ablutions take ages due to inaccessible bathroom, low energy and and morning stiff joints -
Have little rest.
Float to computer. Check e-mail. Potter.
Do interesting things for rest of day at own pace... stuff. Art stuff. Invoices! Money! (Sometimes)
Count four-hour intervals throughout day and keep body topped up with painkillers. Remember (or forget at own risk) to have some laxative - didn't really need to know that did ya, sorry. The codeine resistance is rising, but I'm not too worried as it means I'm more awake, plus I'm one of those awkward buggers that doesn't get addicted to stuff. If I want to stop, I stop - and nothing really dreadful happens, except I have to do less and watch more daytime telly. Which is a big concern, as there's sod all on, not to mention they're not gonna get rid of the licence fee for a good while yet.
Plan/daydream for future when not in this awful inaccessible house.
Spend time with Mr F, who is an excellent cook, even after a hard days work and actually likes it! My mum, gawd bless her, worked full time so I'm less of a good cook and more of a good food unwrapper and heater - not a bad skill in these progressive times though.
Nag each other about weekend decorating. ***News flash in the late editing stages - we're not going to decorate, we're just going to moooovee! Yippee!***
Get a few more zips whilst trying to re-position electrodes or take off at night.
Go to bed, etc, etc.
Conciousness occurs, remember what planet...
Is it working? Nearly. Almost. Pain management and treatment by a specialist physio is on the cards. I'm talking to people about possible new projects somewhere in the distance, and hoping incapacity benefit need not claim me forever yet. Thinking about buying a gym ball. It's bound to have creative possibilities other than the assigned purpose, and I feel a lack of something bouncy in my life, never having had a space hopper when I was little.
So will she bounce or will she break? Only time will tell...